somebody snuck up and got me drunk
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
