I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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