Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Someone shattered a urinal.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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