My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
