Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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