He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
