did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
