hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
