Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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