proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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