Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
