Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
