Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
