Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
its liver damage thursday
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