11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
