i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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