What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
