but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
