Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can't put those talents on a resume
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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