Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
