I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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