Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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