My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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