its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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