the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
