why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
