Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
