i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
