there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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