Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
