I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
