There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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