happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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