Yo dont text me then not text me
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
