Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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