The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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