Cold hands, warm shart.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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