my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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