I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
