Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
