I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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