So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
