He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
high people should be assigned attendants
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My life is pants optional.
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