My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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