Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
