hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
