I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
