I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize