you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
