are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize