I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
