i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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