Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
