well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
